Mum

It has become time to write the post that i have been dreading most of all.  Mum lost her battle today.  She was so strong and so brave and she fought to the very end.  I am grateful that my Dad, Brother and myself managed to get to the hospice on time to be with her at the end.   The loss I (we) feel can not be put into words.

Mum you were loved and you are already missed so much.  I am not sure how we will learn to live without you and hope and trust one day soon our memories will help us.  

Meeting Anni B

Girl's trip to NYC

Xmas 2015 in the old house

Finding new coffee shops

 I am so happy that we found our connection and spent so much time learning to get one another and enjoy spending time in each others company.  I just wish we got longer together.  I love you and are proud to have called you Mum. x

Out of Control

I've started so many posts over the months and I have not finished any of them.  I have missed blogging but been so tired that I never really wanted to sit on my computer and put my words down so I didn't!

My life has felt so out of control for months now and I have felt so sad and tired with it all.  I have really struggled to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I do not like this feeling of being out of control ALL THE TIME, of watching life fly by and not feel like part of it.

H finally came out of hospital in January (Christmas and New Year inside!), Mum was in a different hospital - that was fun!!  H was feeling a little better and was managing to transfer from wheelie to chair/bed using a banana board (an awfully bright yellow coloured piece of plastic to slide across).  Since then he has lost the ability to use this and we now have carers four times a day to help with his needs.  That was a shocker, how much that costs!!!  Life is so different to how it was.  I used to feel that we had a hard life, but boy have I discovered how wrong I was............

Mum sadly has now come home to spend her remaining time.  All treatment has stopped and now it's a case of pain management.  I am finding this time especially hard to deal with.  You think you are dealing with things but you're not really, you just get better at hiding things.  Well mostly, I cry so easily at the moment - but that's ok.  I am sad.  My Mum is dying and my H's life (& mine) has changed beyond all recognition.  I am allowed to be sad.  I am allowed to grieve for what we have lost and the loss which we have still to face.  Even re-reading these words have made me cry (perhaps I shouldn't re-read my posts!), life SUCKS.

YET, I am tired of feeling so out of control. I am tired of sitting here and feeling sad, tired of not doing those things that make me, well me!! So I am starting to take back some control.  I have started to do my journalling, I WILL bake a cake this week, I WILL crochet, I WILL write letters, actual proper letters which go through the post, I WILL allow myself to find and do the things that make me happy, so that my sadness starts to get balanced out by things which help me breathe.  I NEED to breathe.  I have let my feeling of helplessness overwhelm and stop me.  I am claiming ME back.

Happy ? 2017

I've started so many posts in the past few months but not gotten round to publishing any of them.   The longer you leave posting the harder it gets to do.  Anyway a new year and a new start for me (I hope!).

2016 ended on a bum note.  H got a UTI and ended up being admitted to hospital for a major relapse of his MS.  The first hospital is a 2 hour round trip away on 2 different buses.  Luckily he was only there for a week before getting transferred to the hospital down the road for the next 5 weeks.  He spent Christmas and New Year in hospital.  It was a long 6 weeks, though H was Happy - he seemed to eat a variant of pie twice a day for most of the 6 weeks!!!

At the same time, Mum hasn't been so well.  She was in the original hospital twice during the same time period.  Such fun visiting H in hospital one in an afternoon and Mum in hospital two in the evening.  Luckily we managed to kidnap her at 10.30am on Christmas morning so she could come and spend Christmas with us.

It did mean that it didn't feel like Christmas really.  We did our best and did have a quiet day.  We hope to have Christmas number two soon.

H is now home, but still unable to stand up.  We've carers coming in 4 times a day but everything takes so much longer.  We are finding our new routines and still have our sense of humour so we'll get through this.  We have no idea whether he'll get his legs back or whether they are gone for good.

This week we also found out that Mum's cancer has spread.  So life pretty much sucks at the moment.

On a positive, I finally have a new kitchen (so close to not having an oven in time for Christmas) and I baked my first cake in a year yesterday.  That felt so, so good!

Making me HAPPY last week

So the past few weeks haven't been good ones.  I may even have been feeling a little sorry for myself!!  The same week that a new tumour was found in Mum, my Hubby decided to twist his ankle and fall over.  His legs haven't been working much since then - such fun.  No photos but I wanted to post today and not put it off, so I am going without.

However, on Sunday I had a revelation (my number 1) so here we go.

1) Having a working boiler (please don't let me have jinxed it).  Last winter, in the old house the boiler wasn't working very well at all.  All winter we lived with 2 little heaters and lots of blankets.  Sunday night, I was feeling sorry for myself and it hit me - I was warm.  It changed how I was feeling.

2) Nearly finishing my chunky blanket for H.  It really needs to be about another 10 rows long, but we couldn't get him off the floor*, so he had to sleep there and I needed him to be warm.  He hasn't taken it off since (he's not still on the floor) so I can't finish it but he tells me he loves how toasty it is (whoop).


3) Finding "Lucifer" on Amazon Prime.  Erm, how did I miss series 1 & 2? How is the chap playing the lead the same chap who played Gary in Miranda??  My head can't quite get round it.


4) Walking Anni in the park.  The walks haven't been as long as usual as I couldn't leave H but we got out and we met the other dog walkers and we just breathed.


5) After cough cough months in this new house, I am FINALLY getting round to sorting the craft room.  So far, I have grabbed bits here and there as needed but the room is full of boxes.  Today, I started sorting through the boxes and putting things away and binning other things.  I will get it sorted this month and then onto bed 3 and the dining room - so I can pack up the kitchen.  Oh yes, a new kitchen has been ordered!!!!


* sometimes when H's MS really kicks in his legs won't support him.  At times like this, usually tied in with fatigue means that if he falls I am not strong enough to pick him up.  He is unable to help me at all.  But we know that, in the past, if he has a sleep for an hour or so, he will get a little bit of strength back and then between us we are able to get him up.  So while we wait, I keep him warm with blankets.

Getting my craft back on

I love to craft but I find that I prefer different crafts depending on the time of year.  My cro-jo has been missing since we moved into our new house.  I have managed one scarf for a Christmas present and that is all.

However since the change in temperature, my cro-jo has returned with a vengence, and for that I am really happy.  I must remember to take more regular breaks though as I have had a few twinges in my arm if I do too much in a night.

At the moment, I have 2 3 4 (whoops) makings on the go and 1 which needs to be started as a priority.  My friend in Australia has just had a baby so I wanted to make a blanket to post on - I assume that they will still need a blanket in Australia!!

Project 1 - (Blushes) this is the blanket I had intended on gifting my grown up nephew last Christmas (I had to give him emergency cash as I just couldn't make it quickly enough - with the move it's been pushed to one side).  See all those ends to sew in - eeekkkkkkkkkkkkk.  It's folded in half length ways below.  It is so very nearly finished now.

Project 2 - My leftover blanket.  I keep running out of leftovers so it keeps getting put to one side while I make other things to create more left overs.  I LOVE making this blanket.  The randomness definitely speaks to me.  This is also so very close to being finished - yet more ends to sew in too.

Project 3 - A scarf for my F-i-L's Birthday.  This was started this month and needs to be gifted on the 23rd of this month.  I love the colour and hope it'll be one of those that grow and grow, almost without noticing it.

Project 4 - Chunky blanket.  This was also meant to be made last Winter but the move got in the way.  This was started in October and will hopefully be finished this month.  I've decided I'm not a fan of chunky yarn - it's too heavy as the blanket grows, but boy is it warm.

Making me HAPPY this week

2 posts in a week - wonder if I am coming down with something!

Since I haven't posted a happy post in so long I thought I'd catch up with a few weeks worth of happies;

1) Getting my nails done.  Tiffany Blue and so glittery.  I may have decided I enjoyed this experience so much, I may have them done again - one day!!

2) Flowers to cheer myself up.  How can anyone feel blue when looking at these beauties?

3) Making stuff.  I have a friend A who is mad on Panda's, so I made this from a design from Paper & String

4) My surprise gift from H.  I said I would like a radio for Christmas and this week this arrived.  I have to say he's done good - and it's just because he loves me.  Bonus :-)

5) It's the time of  year to be wearing fluffy socks and drinking hot chocolate.  No photo available but that would describe me to a T at this particular moment.

Planning

I have decided that I can no longer hide it but I need to plan.  I need lists and checklists and notes and stickers and pretties.  My Hubby can't understand my need for lists but I am 100% whole heartedly embracing my need and my brain thanks me.

When I was working I carried a filofax everywhere with me, but it never quite lived up to my expectations.  It wasn't big enough, pretty enough, and since leaving work is full of negative feelings so when I was looking for something new to meet my needs I knew I wouldn't be going down that track again.

So I went online and stalked blogs talking about planners and I looked and looked and looked.  Then I priced up what most appealed and I kept looking.  Then in the Summer, I thought for crying out loud make a decision.  So I did.  I found "the one".  I fell in love.

When I don't plan weekly and daily I find I feel more stressed and my head is all over the place.  I have learnt that I am much happier when I take time at the start of each week and the end of each day to plan and tick of my achievements.

I even use one box daily to make a note of things that have made me happy.  How many times do we forgot the day to day things that we take for granted and then think we're had a bad week - or is that just me?

Do you plan?

Making me HAPPY this week

It's been a long time since I've done one of my Sunday posts.  I have been making a (mostly) daily note in my journal of daily happies but I would like to get back to my weekly happy posts too.

Making me happy lately is;

1) Wardrobes!  After 5 months of living out of cardboard boxes it's been a relief to not only have wardrobes (took 3 attempts for IKEA to deliver them - grrrrrr) but I installed all the gadgets inside myself - go me.

2) Bestest neighbour ever.  Who knew that decorating and building furniture is so tiring?  In my previous life the men did that kind of work - I know, I know but I was more than happy to let them.  My neighbour (we were friends first) called today with a surprise bread delivery, wine was left in a bag over the fence and an hour later there was another knock on the door and there were 2 99's thrust at me from the ice cream van.  Who could hope for a better friend and neighbour?

Someone felt the need to beg.......

3) FINALLY getting round to decorating the spare bedroom.  It was dark blue when we moved in and felt so oppressive.  It's not finished yet but we have made a fair start on it.

Before

During

You'll have to wait for an after shot!

4) Paper straws - they just make drinks taste better.

Excuse the horrid wallpaper - the living room is the only room that hasn't talked to me.  I have no idea how to fix it, I just know being in it makes me feel sad.

Howdy

Wow, I have been away awhile.  I couldn't find the camera lead and then I just went bleurghhhhhh and don't even ask about the re-wiring!!!!!

I've been ready to start again for a few weeks now but the thought of trying to sort out what I wanted to share has put me off again.  So I have now decided that instead of worrying about it I'll just blog about one thing at a time until I am all caught up.  Hope I've kept a few people who like checking in.

H's middle brother got married in July.  It was quite local but we decided to check into the hotel for a few days to make sure H could rest as needed.  It was much easier not rushing round like a mad thing.  The downside was that the accessible room was lacking - who thinks it's ok to sell a room as accessible but the person in the wheelie can't push themselves into the room as the doorway isn't wide enough - grrrrrrr.  Anyway, that aside we had a really good few days and celebrated with 2 people very much in love.  I don't have many photos as I got kidnapped by the flower girls but I do have a few before the ceremony.

I loved the lights in the venue.  Do you think they'd look good in my living room?

H & I

MiL & I

FiL & I

Bride & Groom

Making me HAPPY this week

In no particular order, making me happy this past week;


1) He is no longer a scootering virgin (please ignore the shocking white pasty legs - he so needs to work on his tan!).  I am not sure who had more fun - H walking Anni with me (this park is literally over the road from our new front door), or Anni chasing after him - her tail actually wags in a big circle when she is happy and chasing H made her happy.

2) Finding more "things" as i am still unpacking boxes (we have loads left to unpack but they will remain boxed til we can buy and build some more furniture).  Knickerbocker Glory - yes please.  I even remember where I was when I had my first KG.  The family were on holiday in Glocestershire, and we were in Cheddar Gorge.  Most of the family went down a cave (a tourist attraction and not actually caving) but I hated (& still hate) being underground so my Grandma F & I stayed up top.  I had my first KG (which I did share, whilst she had a cigarette).  It's funny when something bring back an unexpected memory.   My Grandma F said it was never too cold for ice-cream - a mantra I still believe to this day.

3) Going out for breakfast this morning.  Our friend V was at a loose end so we headed to Frankie & Benny's for breakfast.  Boy were we stuffed, and so nice to do something a little different.


4) A sign attached to window of the hotel I stayed in last weekend.  "Smoking is not allowed...... including out of this window"

5) This one is a happy but it oddly made me feel sad!!!!  My Mum is half way though her Chemo sessions so had a scan to see if it was making any difference to her tumours.  Good news is that it has so far shrunk the tumours she has.  It's still there and we don't know what'll happen next but we are hopeful it has bought her more time with us - cause who wouldn't want to spend more time with us :-)  The news although as positive as we could expect filled with a sadness I didn't expect, so I had to take a day to re-group before I could see it for the good news it actually is.

Making me HAPPY this week

Hello,  it feels like ages since I was checking out blogs online.  I am doing my best to catch up with you all.

Making me happy last week;

1) Managing to hit 10k steps 4 times last week.  My walking buddy (A.K.A. My Dad) is away so Anni and I didn't get our long, but fairly isolated walk in, so I can say it's all my own work.....  I bought myself a Fitbit in April and it has really encouraged me to give myself a kick up the butt to get my steps in.

2) Getting my craft on.  I have yet to get a desk for my craft room, but I happily sat on the floor and used a box for a flat surface to make the new bunting for my door.  Don't we all need more bunting in out lives?

3) A new shopping bag - Mum I didn't buy it (she'll moan at me for yet another bag).  I was an unexpected gift through the post and have you ever seen anything as gorgeous as this??????

4)  I am loving the sunsets from the new house.  Just look at those colours.  I could watch them every night.

A double moon reflection in the window.

5) We don't have a working oven at the moment so all our meals since moving have to be made in a microwave, on a hob or half a grill.  So when I accidentally discovered something new and easy - I am pretty happy.

Making me HAPPY this week

Weeks since my last post, I am blaming a lack of photos - who wants to read too many posts with no photos???  No siree Bob.  So making me happy these past few weeks;

1) Spending time with my Mum, even if she made me take 2 buses to get there.  You are nearly forgiven Mum, nearly. :-)

2)  We went to Saltaire.  We wandered round Salts Mill (below).  There are shops and gallerys and places to eat inside.

3) Indeed, we stopped at the diner and shared lunch and milkshakes (I think the highlight of my Mum's day).

4) The wallpaper in our newly decorated bedroom (thanks Dad) (1 wall of this - can you see the glitter shining) and 2 walls of pale blue.  Just enough to be girly and just enough not to be offensive to the Hubby!!!!  EDITED: 3 walls of pale blue or we'd have a wall missing!

5) My favourite thing is the wallpaper in my craft room.  I just LOVE it.

Not making me happy this week - H thinking he was superman (apologies for anyone squeamish).  No, he wasn't trying to fly, just trying to walk a short distance.  I think he came off worse.