Monday, 24 April 2017

Out of Control

I've started so many posts over the months and I have not finished any of them.  I have missed blogging but been so tired that I never really wanted to sit on my computer and put my words down so I didn't!

My life has felt so out of control for months now and I have felt so sad and tired with it all.  I have really struggled to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I do not like this feeling of being out of control ALL THE TIME, of watching life fly by and not feel like part of it.

H finally came out of hospital in January (Christmas and New Year inside!), Mum was in a different hospital - that was fun!!  H was feeling a little better and was managing to transfer from wheelie to chair/bed using a banana board (an awfully bright yellow coloured piece of plastic to slide across).  Since then he has lost the ability to use this and we now have carers four times a day to help with his needs.  That was a shocker, how much that costs!!!  Life is so different to how it was.  I used to feel that we had a hard life, but boy have I discovered how wrong I was............

Mum sadly has now come home to spend her remaining time.  All treatment has stopped and now it's a case of pain management.  I am finding this time especially hard to deal with.  You think you are dealing with things but you're not really, you just get better at hiding things.  Well mostly, I cry so easily at the moment - but that's ok.  I am sad.  My Mum is dying and my H's life (& mine) has changed beyond all recognition.  I am allowed to be sad.  I am allowed to grieve for what we have lost and the loss which we have still to face.  Even re-reading these words have made me cry (perhaps I shouldn't re-read my posts!), life SUCKS.

YET, I am tired of feeling so out of control. I am tired of sitting here and feeling sad, tired of not doing those things that make me, well me!! So I am starting to take back some control.  I have started to do my journalling, I WILL bake a cake this week, I WILL crochet, I WILL write letters, actual proper letters which go through the post, I WILL allow myself to find and do the things that make me happy, so that my sadness starts to get balanced out by things which help me breathe.  I NEED to breathe.  I have let my feeling of helplessness overwhelm and stop me.  I am claiming ME back.

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