I've started so many posts over the months and I have not finished any of them. I have missed blogging but been so tired that I never really wanted to sit on my computer and put my words down so I didn't!
My life has felt so out of control for months now and I have felt so sad and tired with it all. I have really struggled to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I do not like this feeling of being out of control ALL THE TIME, of watching life fly by and not feel like part of it.
H finally came out of hospital in January (Christmas and New Year inside!), Mum was in a different hospital - that was fun!! H was feeling a little better and was managing to transfer from wheelie to chair/bed using a banana board (an awfully bright yellow coloured piece of plastic to slide across). Since then he has lost the ability to use this and we now have carers four times a day to help with his needs. That was a shocker, how much that costs!!! Life is so different to how it was. I used to feel that we had a hard life, but boy have I discovered how wrong I was............
Mum sadly has now come home to spend her remaining time. All treatment has stopped and now it's a case of pain management. I am finding this time especially hard to deal with. You think you are dealing with things but you're not really, you just get better at hiding things. Well mostly, I cry so easily at the moment - but that's ok. I am sad. My Mum is dying and my H's life (& mine) has changed beyond all recognition. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to grieve for what we have lost and the loss which we have still to face. Even re-reading these words have made me cry (perhaps I shouldn't re-read my posts!), life SUCKS.
YET, I am tired of feeling so out of control. I am tired of sitting here and feeling sad, tired of not doing those things that make me, well me!! So I am starting to take back some control. I have started to do my journalling, I WILL bake a cake this week, I WILL crochet, I WILL write letters, actual proper letters which go through the post, I WILL allow myself to find and do the things that make me happy, so that my sadness starts to get balanced out by things which help me breathe. I NEED to breathe. I have let my feeling of helplessness overwhelm and stop me. I am claiming ME back.