Mum

It has become time to write the post that i have been dreading most of all.  Mum lost her battle today.  She was so strong and so brave and she fought to the very end.  I am grateful that my Dad, Brother and myself managed to get to the hospice on time to be with her at the end.   The loss I (we) feel can not be put into words.

Mum you were loved and you are already missed so much.  I am not sure how we will learn to live without you and hope and trust one day soon our memories will help us.  

Meeting Anni B

Girl's trip to NYC

Xmas 2015 in the old house

Finding new coffee shops

 I am so happy that we found our connection and spent so much time learning to get one another and enjoy spending time in each others company.  I just wish we got longer together.  I love you and are proud to have called you Mum. x

Out of Control

I've started so many posts over the months and I have not finished any of them.  I have missed blogging but been so tired that I never really wanted to sit on my computer and put my words down so I didn't!

My life has felt so out of control for months now and I have felt so sad and tired with it all.  I have really struggled to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I do not like this feeling of being out of control ALL THE TIME, of watching life fly by and not feel like part of it.

H finally came out of hospital in January (Christmas and New Year inside!), Mum was in a different hospital - that was fun!!  H was feeling a little better and was managing to transfer from wheelie to chair/bed using a banana board (an awfully bright yellow coloured piece of plastic to slide across).  Since then he has lost the ability to use this and we now have carers four times a day to help with his needs.  That was a shocker, how much that costs!!!  Life is so different to how it was.  I used to feel that we had a hard life, but boy have I discovered how wrong I was............

Mum sadly has now come home to spend her remaining time.  All treatment has stopped and now it's a case of pain management.  I am finding this time especially hard to deal with.  You think you are dealing with things but you're not really, you just get better at hiding things.  Well mostly, I cry so easily at the moment - but that's ok.  I am sad.  My Mum is dying and my H's life (& mine) has changed beyond all recognition.  I am allowed to be sad.  I am allowed to grieve for what we have lost and the loss which we have still to face.  Even re-reading these words have made me cry (perhaps I shouldn't re-read my posts!), life SUCKS.

YET, I am tired of feeling so out of control. I am tired of sitting here and feeling sad, tired of not doing those things that make me, well me!! So I am starting to take back some control.  I have started to do my journalling, I WILL bake a cake this week, I WILL crochet, I WILL write letters, actual proper letters which go through the post, I WILL allow myself to find and do the things that make me happy, so that my sadness starts to get balanced out by things which help me breathe.  I NEED to breathe.  I have let my feeling of helplessness overwhelm and stop me.  I am claiming ME back.

Happy ? 2017

I've started so many posts in the past few months but not gotten round to publishing any of them.   The longer you leave posting the harder it gets to do.  Anyway a new year and a new start for me (I hope!).

2016 ended on a bum note.  H got a UTI and ended up being admitted to hospital for a major relapse of his MS.  The first hospital is a 2 hour round trip away on 2 different buses.  Luckily he was only there for a week before getting transferred to the hospital down the road for the next 5 weeks.  He spent Christmas and New Year in hospital.  It was a long 6 weeks, though H was Happy - he seemed to eat a variant of pie twice a day for most of the 6 weeks!!!

At the same time, Mum hasn't been so well.  She was in the original hospital twice during the same time period.  Such fun visiting H in hospital one in an afternoon and Mum in hospital two in the evening.  Luckily we managed to kidnap her at 10.30am on Christmas morning so she could come and spend Christmas with us.

It did mean that it didn't feel like Christmas really.  We did our best and did have a quiet day.  We hope to have Christmas number two soon.

H is now home, but still unable to stand up.  We've carers coming in 4 times a day but everything takes so much longer.  We are finding our new routines and still have our sense of humour so we'll get through this.  We have no idea whether he'll get his legs back or whether they are gone for good.

This week we also found out that Mum's cancer has spread.  So life pretty much sucks at the moment.

On a positive, I finally have a new kitchen (so close to not having an oven in time for Christmas) and I baked my first cake in a year yesterday.  That felt so, so good!