Mum

It has become time to write the post that i have been dreading most of all.  Mum lost her battle today.  She was so strong and so brave and she fought to the very end.  I am grateful that my Dad, Brother and myself managed to get to the hospice on time to be with her at the end.   The loss I (we) feel can not be put into words.

Mum you were loved and you are already missed so much.  I am not sure how we will learn to live without you and hope and trust one day soon our memories will help us.  

Meeting Anni B

Girl's trip to NYC

Xmas 2015 in the old house

Finding new coffee shops

 I am so happy that we found our connection and spent so much time learning to get one another and enjoy spending time in each others company.  I just wish we got longer together.  I love you and are proud to have called you Mum. x

Out of Control

I've started so many posts over the months and I have not finished any of them.  I have missed blogging but been so tired that I never really wanted to sit on my computer and put my words down so I didn't!

My life has felt so out of control for months now and I have felt so sad and tired with it all.  I have really struggled to just put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  I do not like this feeling of being out of control ALL THE TIME, of watching life fly by and not feel like part of it.

H finally came out of hospital in January (Christmas and New Year inside!), Mum was in a different hospital - that was fun!!  H was feeling a little better and was managing to transfer from wheelie to chair/bed using a banana board (an awfully bright yellow coloured piece of plastic to slide across).  Since then he has lost the ability to use this and we now have carers four times a day to help with his needs.  That was a shocker, how much that costs!!!  Life is so different to how it was.  I used to feel that we had a hard life, but boy have I discovered how wrong I was............

Mum sadly has now come home to spend her remaining time.  All treatment has stopped and now it's a case of pain management.  I am finding this time especially hard to deal with.  You think you are dealing with things but you're not really, you just get better at hiding things.  Well mostly, I cry so easily at the moment - but that's ok.  I am sad.  My Mum is dying and my H's life (& mine) has changed beyond all recognition.  I am allowed to be sad.  I am allowed to grieve for what we have lost and the loss which we have still to face.  Even re-reading these words have made me cry (perhaps I shouldn't re-read my posts!), life SUCKS.

YET, I am tired of feeling so out of control. I am tired of sitting here and feeling sad, tired of not doing those things that make me, well me!! So I am starting to take back some control.  I have started to do my journalling, I WILL bake a cake this week, I WILL crochet, I WILL write letters, actual proper letters which go through the post, I WILL allow myself to find and do the things that make me happy, so that my sadness starts to get balanced out by things which help me breathe.  I NEED to breathe.  I have let my feeling of helplessness overwhelm and stop me.  I am claiming ME back.

Happy ? 2017

I've started so many posts in the past few months but not gotten round to publishing any of them.   The longer you leave posting the harder it gets to do.  Anyway a new year and a new start for me (I hope!).

2016 ended on a bum note.  H got a UTI and ended up being admitted to hospital for a major relapse of his MS.  The first hospital is a 2 hour round trip away on 2 different buses.  Luckily he was only there for a week before getting transferred to the hospital down the road for the next 5 weeks.  He spent Christmas and New Year in hospital.  It was a long 6 weeks, though H was Happy - he seemed to eat a variant of pie twice a day for most of the 6 weeks!!!

At the same time, Mum hasn't been so well.  She was in the original hospital twice during the same time period.  Such fun visiting H in hospital one in an afternoon and Mum in hospital two in the evening.  Luckily we managed to kidnap her at 10.30am on Christmas morning so she could come and spend Christmas with us.

It did mean that it didn't feel like Christmas really.  We did our best and did have a quiet day.  We hope to have Christmas number two soon.

H is now home, but still unable to stand up.  We've carers coming in 4 times a day but everything takes so much longer.  We are finding our new routines and still have our sense of humour so we'll get through this.  We have no idea whether he'll get his legs back or whether they are gone for good.

This week we also found out that Mum's cancer has spread.  So life pretty much sucks at the moment.

On a positive, I finally have a new kitchen (so close to not having an oven in time for Christmas) and I baked my first cake in a year yesterday.  That felt so, so good!

Making me HAPPY last week

So the past few weeks haven't been good ones.  I may even have been feeling a little sorry for myself!!  The same week that a new tumour was found in Mum, my Hubby decided to twist his ankle and fall over.  His legs haven't been working much since then - such fun.  No photos but I wanted to post today and not put it off, so I am going without.

However, on Sunday I had a revelation (my number 1) so here we go.

1) Having a working boiler (please don't let me have jinxed it).  Last winter, in the old house the boiler wasn't working very well at all.  All winter we lived with 2 little heaters and lots of blankets.  Sunday night, I was feeling sorry for myself and it hit me - I was warm.  It changed how I was feeling.

2) Nearly finishing my chunky blanket for H.  It really needs to be about another 10 rows long, but we couldn't get him off the floor*, so he had to sleep there and I needed him to be warm.  He hasn't taken it off since (he's not still on the floor) so I can't finish it but he tells me he loves how toasty it is (whoop).


3) Finding "Lucifer" on Amazon Prime.  Erm, how did I miss series 1 & 2? How is the chap playing the lead the same chap who played Gary in Miranda??  My head can't quite get round it.


4) Walking Anni in the park.  The walks haven't been as long as usual as I couldn't leave H but we got out and we met the other dog walkers and we just breathed.


5) After cough cough months in this new house, I am FINALLY getting round to sorting the craft room.  So far, I have grabbed bits here and there as needed but the room is full of boxes.  Today, I started sorting through the boxes and putting things away and binning other things.  I will get it sorted this month and then onto bed 3 and the dining room - so I can pack up the kitchen.  Oh yes, a new kitchen has been ordered!!!!


* sometimes when H's MS really kicks in his legs won't support him.  At times like this, usually tied in with fatigue means that if he falls I am not strong enough to pick him up.  He is unable to help me at all.  But we know that, in the past, if he has a sleep for an hour or so, he will get a little bit of strength back and then between us we are able to get him up.  So while we wait, I keep him warm with blankets.

Getting my craft back on

I love to craft but I find that I prefer different crafts depending on the time of year.  My cro-jo has been missing since we moved into our new house.  I have managed one scarf for a Christmas present and that is all.

However since the change in temperature, my cro-jo has returned with a vengence, and for that I am really happy.  I must remember to take more regular breaks though as I have had a few twinges in my arm if I do too much in a night.

At the moment, I have 2 3 4 (whoops) makings on the go and 1 which needs to be started as a priority.  My friend in Australia has just had a baby so I wanted to make a blanket to post on - I assume that they will still need a blanket in Australia!!

Project 1 - (Blushes) this is the blanket I had intended on gifting my grown up nephew last Christmas (I had to give him emergency cash as I just couldn't make it quickly enough - with the move it's been pushed to one side).  See all those ends to sew in - eeekkkkkkkkkkkkk.  It's folded in half length ways below.  It is so very nearly finished now.

Project 2 - My leftover blanket.  I keep running out of leftovers so it keeps getting put to one side while I make other things to create more left overs.  I LOVE making this blanket.  The randomness definitely speaks to me.  This is also so very close to being finished - yet more ends to sew in too.

Project 3 - A scarf for my F-i-L's Birthday.  This was started this month and needs to be gifted on the 23rd of this month.  I love the colour and hope it'll be one of those that grow and grow, almost without noticing it.

Project 4 - Chunky blanket.  This was also meant to be made last Winter but the move got in the way.  This was started in October and will hopefully be finished this month.  I've decided I'm not a fan of chunky yarn - it's too heavy as the blanket grows, but boy is it warm.

Making me HAPPY this week

2 posts in a week - wonder if I am coming down with something!

Since I haven't posted a happy post in so long I thought I'd catch up with a few weeks worth of happies;

1) Getting my nails done.  Tiffany Blue and so glittery.  I may have decided I enjoyed this experience so much, I may have them done again - one day!!

2) Flowers to cheer myself up.  How can anyone feel blue when looking at these beauties?

3) Making stuff.  I have a friend A who is mad on Panda's, so I made this from a design from Paper & String

4) My surprise gift from H.  I said I would like a radio for Christmas and this week this arrived.  I have to say he's done good - and it's just because he loves me.  Bonus :-)

5) It's the time of  year to be wearing fluffy socks and drinking hot chocolate.  No photo available but that would describe me to a T at this particular moment.

Planning

I have decided that I can no longer hide it but I need to plan.  I need lists and checklists and notes and stickers and pretties.  My Hubby can't understand my need for lists but I am 100% whole heartedly embracing my need and my brain thanks me.

When I was working I carried a filofax everywhere with me, but it never quite lived up to my expectations.  It wasn't big enough, pretty enough, and since leaving work is full of negative feelings so when I was looking for something new to meet my needs I knew I wouldn't be going down that track again.

So I went online and stalked blogs talking about planners and I looked and looked and looked.  Then I priced up what most appealed and I kept looking.  Then in the Summer, I thought for crying out loud make a decision.  So I did.  I found "the one".  I fell in love.

When I don't plan weekly and daily I find I feel more stressed and my head is all over the place.  I have learnt that I am much happier when I take time at the start of each week and the end of each day to plan and tick of my achievements.

I even use one box daily to make a note of things that have made me happy.  How many times do we forgot the day to day things that we take for granted and then think we're had a bad week - or is that just me?

Do you plan?